Monday, July 22, 2013

It amazes me how people change. How much, how often, how quickly. Even people you never thought would change. You spend all your time with them, content with them being who they are. Then one day you wake up and you don't even know who they are anymore.
People are peculiar and I don't understand them. I don't know that I want to understand. I spend my days people watching and thinking about how much different we all are, yet at the same time so.. alike. For the most part, we all want the same things. But we go about getting them in so many different ways. Some worse than others. I guess what I'm saying is..

Dear you,

Who are you really? You are not who I thought you were, and you are no longer who I thought I wanted to be. You are a chameleon with a mind and thoughts all your own. You are not spontaneous hugs or spilled secrets at midnight. You are secrecy and false strength and moods that cannot be described. You are so unfamiliar to me now, but I am not afraid anymore. And maybe I wrote this because recently you and I are just not the way we used to be. Or maybe I'm writing this out of pent up frustrations. Either way, I don't know who you are anymore and I don't know how that makes me feel. I guess I have lost you. I guess we will be the way you said you'd never allow. I guess so.  

Saturday, July 20, 2013

I woke up with a strange feeling. I feel slightly off balance within myself. And I felt compelled to write, as I haven't in months. Though, what it is I am supposed to be writing escapes me.

Maybe I should be writing about how every single moment after my first step towards recovery has been a constant battle with myself and my depression. Sometimes I just want to give up and give in. Maybe it's just supposed to be a part of who I am. It has already shaped who I am and how I view things.. Someone keeps telling me that it's just the devil nagging at me. And as much as I believe in God, I still find it a bit difficult to believe that every single thing reverts back to heaven and hell. Maybe that is my downfall.

Or maybe I should be writing about something dynamic. And maybe I should put my words into sentences that would blow minds. But what do I write? And how?