Saturday, August 31, 2013

Today I saw a
and it looked just like
and it made me feel the way
Yours did
I miss you.
and these scars will fade
Away, but
Disappear, my dear.
and did I mention
I miss you?

I feel suicidal because it's one of those times I told you about about when I told you I randomly feel like a walking void. And I feel it even more so because I feel like I am doing things wrong with you. And I'm stressed and I'm tired and I'm thinking about things I shouldn't think about and usually never allow myself to think about. And the moon's not out, which may or may not be a sign, but I don't even know what I'm talking about. I feel suicidal because it's convenient when the water is just right there and it's so vast and beautiful and worth dying in. I feel suicidal because it's familiar.  I feel suicidal because it's easy to just let it all go rather than to keep holding on for God knows what. And maybe that's just it - God knows what and this is why we let the quiet put things where they are supposed to be.

Monday, August 19, 2013

"maybe you
like the ocean
a bit 
too much."
invalid statement.

August 19, 2013 ~ 2:43am

This is not a journal entry, but something about being awake this late makes me feel like a walking void. Which doesn't make since because in this case I mean a completely empty space. Being up this late, or rather early, makes me think about the last time that I was consistently up at this time and later/earlier. I was so unhappy. And I know it isn't completely gone. Sometimes I feel it in segments through a span of days or weeks. Sometimes all at once. Sometimes I can't breathe. Right now I feel numb. I'm thinking about everything and absolutely nothing and I don't understand myself. I am just existing mostly. I'd rather sit alone and observe people from afar. But maybe not everyone was meant for participation. And maybe it means something when you think about someone and they contact you within that same day before not speaking for yet almost another month. And maybe it means something to put others before yourself. Maybe it means something to just want to sleep all day. Maybe it means something when you start humming a song you haven't heard in years. And maybe it means something to like people a little more despite how they treat you sometimes. Or maybe it doesn't mean anything at all.